Judith Collins
I write this testimony to the glory of God for His changing power
and grace, available to all when we call our sin, SIN. I pray those
who claim to be homosexuals, and those who don't, but actually are,
will examine their hearts before the living God as they read this,
and turn from their sins.
DECEIVED!
I lusted after women, but one in particular. I idolized this woman,
focused my entire life around her, and participated in sexual acts with
her. I wanted to 'marry' her, to 'live happily ever after' with her
- I was in love.
All this time I was involved with her, [4 years], we both claimed to
be Christians, teaching Bible studies, leading people to the Lord, and
abstaining from the ways of the world. We compared our relationship to
that of Jonathan and David's in the book of 1 Samuel, rationalizing our
sin through distorting the very Word of God.
Jeremiah 17:9 claims that 'the heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure'. My heart was deceived. I thought I'd found true
godly love, mutual love, when actually my heart had replaced my first
love in Jesus, whom I'd found a few years before my relationship began
with this sister in the Lord.I was deceived into thinking my sin
wasn't 'that bad'. I thought the sexual acts were the only impurities
in the relationship, but God reveals the heart. I didn't see how I was
hurting God, and fooling myself, by calling an impure relationship,
pure. Isaiah, the prophet, puts it like this: 'Woe to those who call
evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for
darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.' [5:20] God
despised my whole heart as I rationalized and whitewashed my sin and
perversion. I didn't fear God - I only wanted one thing - my
relationship with her.
RATIONALIZING SIN
Let me make this clear: I had read God's Word, I knew about Sodom and
Gomorrah, [Genesis 19], and many passages on sexual immorality and
impurity. I had knowledge that I was involved in sin - I knew the truth
of God's Word, but it didn't phase me; I continued to sin. I
rationalized my sin, not admitting to homosexuality. I wasn't in the
'gay scene', didn't go to gay bars, and wasn't having sexual relations
with many women - just one. One way I rationalized my sin was by
claiming it was love, love that didn't stem from selfish motives. But
God said to me from His Word
'If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the
knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a
fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume
the enemies of God.' [Hebrews 10:26-27]
POWERLESS
My heart was hardened by my sin. But God, through His love and
faithfulness, kept me miserable to lead me to repentance, [Romans 2:4].
I had no desire to let go of my immoral relationship. I had no power
to change my heart. I couldn't imagine living without her. I knew I
had no power within my sinful self to stop my physical contact with her.
So, what was I to do? Did I choose eternal life, and freedom from sin,
or a guilt-ridden life with her on earth and eternity in hell? We all
must choose between our sin or God's ways - we do everyday.
Well, I chose, and I chose God. He didn't just show me how sinful I
was and leave me helpless. Romans 5:6 says, 'You see, at just the
right time, when were were still POWERLESS, Christ died for the
ungodly.' Jesus Christ gets the victory over my sin- He gave His life
for it. Jesus says, 'apart from me you can do nothing', and oh how
true that is. As I said before, I had no power, but Jesus did. No one
has any power within themselves to conquer any sin. Only by His Spirit
within me could He take me by the hand and lead me out of my perversion
into a life of freedom and victory. He took my sin, cleansed me deeply
in my heart, {not just outwardly}, and gave me power over lustful
thoughts and schemes, sexual desires and idolizing a created individual
rather than the Creator, [Romans 1:15]. He was merciful in not letting
me continue in sin because I wanted to be freed. The sacrifices of God
are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. [Psalm 51:17] He had
to first, soften my hard heart. Then He had to give me the faith in
Him, that He could accomplish changing my desires. God demands
holiness from His children, but only His righteousness and His power
can make us holy. He must do it all, for we are weak, helpless, sinful
and wicked people. The Lord says, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for
my power is made perfect in weakness.' [2 Cor.12:9] God's demands for
holiness are clearly put forth in His Word; 'It is God's will that you
should be holy; that you should AVOID SEXUAL IMMORALITY; that each of
you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and
honorable, not in PASSIOIONATE LUST like the heathen, who do not know
God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother, [or
sister] or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all
such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not
call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who
rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you
His Holy Spirit.' [1 Thessalonians 4:3-8]
WHAT NOW?
You may wonder about continual victory over my homosexual sin-will I
be drawn back into it? Very truthfully, during God's cleansing process
and discipline to remove me from my sin, I have been tempted with other
women. Jesus also was tempted - in every way, [which by the way includes
homosexuality], yet was without sin. He sympathizes with my weaknesses.
[Hebrews 4:15]. Jesus also combated temptation with God's holy
scriptures, and I must do the same to overcome. 'No temptation has
seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will
not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are
tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it.'
[1 Cor. 10:13]
CONCLUSION
All I can say is, God's power is sufficient for me, and only by His
grace will I remain pure. God's truth sums up this entire testimony,
and what a firm foundation to stand on: 'Do not be deceived: Neither the
SEXUALLY IMMORAL nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor
HOMOSEXUAL OFFENDERS, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor
slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is
what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you
were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of
our God.'
1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Praise God for His mercy. He is the Great
Physician who can heal anything.
A WORD TO THE CHURCH
I speak to the church also. Neither one of us, my companion or I,
should have been allowed to remain in the church during the 4 years of
our sexual immorality. According to 1 Corinthians 5:11-13, the one in
the church claiming to be a brother or sister, but also being sexually
immoral is to be expelled from the church, and not even eaten with. Of
course, you must be in a body of believers that brings all deeds of
darkness into the His marvelous light before this can be lived. I praise
the Lord that by His grace He led me to a body of believers who confess
sins and walk in the light of Jesus, so my hidden sin was revealed. But
how many churches are hiding sin, not challenging it in each others
lives? Only God knows how many homosexual relationships are going on
between sisters in the Lord, or brothers in the Lord. Oh, how Jesus
wants a pure bride to return to--will He find one? Where are the
shepherds who watch closely over their sheep? Hebrews 3:13 says, 'See to
it brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns
away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it
is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's
deceitfulness.' By this passage, I am in no way trying to blame my sin on
the church - I allowed my heart to become hard. I mention this passage
to challenge and rebuke the church to confront sin as Jesus did, and call
sin, SIN. For those shepherds of God's sheep, if they do not wake up,
they will indeed have a very heavy price to pay on judgment day! Let us
all Repent!
With Praise for His Powerful Grace, Judith Collins
Testimonies of people changed by the power of God!