CARRIE: WOMAN OF GOD

One year ago, I would not have believed it possible for me to tell you that

God has set me free from the negative attitudes that caused me to get

involved in homosexuality. Yet today, I am free from homosexual struggles,

thoughts, desires, fantasies, and behaviour; and I experience a healing

which is available to anyone who desires it. It may not come in an

instant, but it does come in time.

Homosexual behaviour is a symptom of deeper things that need healing. In

my case, a broken relationship with my parents, whose social activities

frequently kept them out of the house or out of town, caused deep rejection

in me.

I now realise that I had a deep hatred for my father for the things he did

not do for me that he should have, like give love, affection, protection,

and guidance. As I grew older, I distrusted other men, fearing they, too,

would not be there in my times of need.

An older brother resented me from the time of my birth, and my

defensiveness towards him turned into defensiveness towards men in general.

Because I had been raised by women, the maids in our home, I felt more

comfortable with them. I was fearful of closeness with men, and therefore

more readily would look to a woman for comfort in time of need.

In addition, I experienced sexual harassment and abuse from neighbourhood

boys when I was young which made me hostile towards men. That's when my

attitude originated: "That's all men want from me."

The circumstances which were the root to my homosexuality were not my

fault, but I cannot blame others for my reactions to those hurts. I made a

choice to seek love and affection through homosexual relations, though I

may not have been conscious of my motivations at the time. I also chose to

remain bitter and expect rejection, unhealthy feelings which no longer hold

me in bondage.

God fills the need for love in me and enables me to enjoy emotionally-

balanced relationships with both men and women. I no longer cling to

people in order to feel loved and secure. When it feels like I'm leaning

towards a dependency on someone in my life, I've learned to turn to the

Lord in prayer and ask him to help me be more dependent on Him. And He

does. I haven't experienced an unhealthy relationship for nearly a year,

yet I enjoy the friendship of many women.

Fear of Losing Identity

Probably because I perceived rejection from the significant men in my life,

I was sensitive to the apparent rejection of myself as a woman when I got

involved with a church that was heavy into the shepherding movement.

Their teaching had a strong message of submission to authority, which was

all male. I saw women losing their identities and individuality, almost

becoming non-persons as they accepted the teaching of complete submission

to their husbands. I remember telling God, "If this is Your idea of

marriage, You can have it."

I saw and felt the creation and manipulation of an attitude of emotional

and physical dependency of the single women on the men in leadership. We

were told to submit all decisions regarding our lives to our leaders, not

to God.

I didn't comprehend consciously the control which was exercised in such a

subtle manner, but my spirit and emotions certainly understood it. It

instilled rage, turmoil, depression, and resentment in me. I reacted with

rage, and my distrust and hatred for men deepened.

It was this church involvement which brought me to a breaking point.

Opting for comfort and security, I entered into my second homosexual

relationship although I had been battling my homosexual feelings for the 14

years since my first relationship.

Depressed about my life, I attempted suicide because I had rejected God and

had no other person to turn to after this second relationship failed.

Though I had intended to die, God miraculously intervened. He spared my

life because He has very definite plans and purposes for me to fulfil.

One of the things I do now, as a result of my own inner healing, is prayer

counselling with others through my church so they, too, can know the depths

of God's love and healing as I've come to know it.

Prayer Counselling Key to Changed Life

I met a married couple with whom I went through deep inner healing prayer

over a period of four years. God has used this means of setting me free

from all the wounds of my past.

Believing that forgiveness is the key to being free from unhealthy

behaviour and attitudes, these people led me through many prayer times

where I was able to forgive everyone who had hurt me in any way in my life.

In some instances this meant even going back to the time of my birth.

Together with his couple, I would visualize the person who had hurt me, the

scene of the hurt, and Jesus with us in the scene. I would describe what I

saw and heard to my prayer partners as I went.

I would then tell Jesus how I felt about the situation, feeling the

feelings and being the age I was at the time of the hurt. I would talk

about the circumstances and what had been done to me. Then I would tell

the person who hurt me, "I forgive you in the name of Jesus for [naming the

thing that had been done], and I set you free from my judgement and

bitterness."

There would be times when I acknowledged my own sinful response of

bitterness and rejection to the hurts I received, and had to ask Jesus to

forgive me before I could release the person who hurt me.

In other prayers, Jesus sometimes said or did things of a healing nature to

me. One prayer included seeing Jesus give me a letter He had written to

me. In it I read His words, "I love you very much. I have some good

things in store for you. You are a very precious person to me."

Other Important Helps

Not only did this couple lead me through prayer, but they provided an

important role model for heterosexuality. Since I had seen mostly

incorrect ways of relating between husbands and wives for five years, their

marriage showed me that marriage can be fun and beautiful. I need not be

afraid of losing my identity.

Also, the hurts I experienced through the sexual harassment and abuse faded

even further as this man began to show me that men really could care about

me as a person and not just as a sexual object.

This couple also imparted to me a new understanding of masculinity and

femininity. To talk only with a man or a woman would not have been

beneficial for me. I needed the balance of both sexes in order to better

understand my own sexuality.

On-going important things to my growth in Jesus include obeying God as much

as I am able, realising at the same time that I am not perfect and that

growth is a process that will continue as long as I live.

I also attend a weekly Bible study, spend time with Christians

individually, and join bothers and sisters in worship at church. Having a

daily prayer time and Bible reading is a must for me.

I attend a church which has good teaching on the place of women in the Body

of Christ, and can see around me the wonderful ways women, both married and

single, are being used by the Lord.

Heterosexual Interest

After a particular prayer session regarding my brother I began to notice

that I was "connecting" with men in a way I hadn't in ten years or more. I

was letting my inner person be more open to them, willing to be vulnerable

with my feelings to them, and am now open to their interest in me. My

walls of defense have come down.

Though I passed through a time when I felt sexually neutral, I now

experience heterosexual interest which I've had to learn how to deal with

righteously as well.

Today I feel beautifully woman, and I love it. I have accepted fully my

identity as a woman and as a child of God, made in his image.

Though I have two older sisters, my mother gave me her own name when I was

born. God knew He would cause me to grow into it as I fulfilled the

purposes for which I was born ...

Carrie -- Woman of God; Strong, Womanly

-- Carrie Wingfield

For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual

brokenness, please contact:

LOVE IN ACTION

G.P.O. Box 1115

ADELAIDE SA 5001

Phone (08) 371 0446

This article is reprinted by permission from

Metanoia Ministries,

P O Box 33039,

Seattle WA 98133-0039,

U.S.A.



MINISTRY TO HOMOSEXUALS

Database Listing - Ministry To Homosexuals.
Christian Resources on Homosexuality on the web


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