WHEN A HUSBAND IS UNFAITHFUL

The New Testament picture of the Bride and the Bridegroom representing the

Church and Jesus Christ (John 3:29) should tip us off to the importance God

places on the "oneness" between a man and a woman in marriage (Matthew

19:4-6). It isn't just a verbal agreement or a bodily joining. It's a

union of body, soul, and mind. When sexual infidelity arises in the

marriage, damage is done to both parties at all three levels. It doesn't

matter if it was only once. (I Corinthians 6:15-17, Hebrews 13:4).

Let's look at some of the things that are going to help restore health (or

establish it for the first time!) in a relationship that has been broken by

unfaithfulness by the husband due to homosexual behaviour.

Confession of Sin

Secrets hurt a marriage. Many wives already know something is wrong even

if they haven't put their finger on it. Many assume heterosexual problems

and wonder about "the other woman." Her tension and anger should be dealt

with, allowed to be talked about, "before the sun goes down," (Ephesians

4:26-27), before she is incapable of dealing with her hurt in a Christ-like

way and it becomes impacted and turns to bitterness.

Of course it's risky. Husbands often say they are concerned that their

wives will leave them if they know the truth. The fact is, very few

conservative Christian women are just going to up and walk away. They love

their husbands and take their marriage vows very seriously.

A woman should have the ability to choose whether she stays or goes. If

she doesn't know about the infidelity, the husband is keeping her on false

pretences. It will be a test of the marriage commitment for her, but in

the long run it will benefit the husband to know that she has willingly

stayed to help him face his issues.

Silence compounds the break in the relationship. Covering up or denying

sexual sin is lying. (Ephesians 4:25). Saving the bad news for a more

opportune time, or when she is in a "good" mood, really only spares the

husband's feelings. It doesn't spare hers in the long run. Admittance to

sin probably will be easier on her if it doesn't occur on a holiday or

anniversary however.

Men who are homosexually active, even if only involved in mutual

masturbation, are capable of bringing home to the wife a variety of

sexually-transmitted diseases, many of which can go undetected in a woman

and cause immense bodily harm, even death. This includes syphilis,

gonorrhea, herpes and AIDS, not to mention the humiliation of pubic lice

and scabies. Kids are at risk, too.

A woman needs to know if she is in danger so that she can go to an STD

clinic for an exam to protect her health. At the clinic all she needs to

say is that her husband is homosexually-active. She need not list the

specific behaviours he engages in, so he doesn't have to tell her

specifically what he does. Most clinicians will take cultures from the

throat, vagina, and anus. It's important that the wife understand that

many general practitioners aren't educated to detect a variety of STD's, so

she must insist on cultures from all parts of her body.

How To Confess

Many unfaithful husbands ask for forgiveness at the same time as admitting

or confessing to sin. Theologically this may be correct, but all to often,

the shocked woman is incapable of registering and expressing all her

reactions. She may offer "forgiveness" somewhat automatically, but it's

not a true forgiveness because she has not had the time to assimilate the

new information.

This is not a one-time-only discussion, and then it's forgotten. This will

have to be an on-going discussion for some days or weeks. It may take a

third party, a professional counsellor for instance, to really make sure

both parties are "coming clean" with all of their feelings. True

forgiveness can only be extended when hurt has been brought to the surface

and disappointment, grief, and anger dealt with appropriately according to

Ephesians chapter 4 principles.

Saying "I'm sorry" unfortunately can be just a surface reaction in hopes of

avoiding conflict. Accepting such an apology can be done for the same

reason.

The husband need not share the identity of those he is involved with

sexually. The conversation should be a serious one, not rushed in the last

minutes before going off to work. The wife shouldn't be the only person

confessed to either. She cannot bear the spiritual responsibility of

bringing objective correction and counsel. He needs to make moves toward

sharing his problems with a friend, a counsellor, or a pastor, bearing in

mind the fact that repentance must move him in the direction of getting

real help. Many friends are not capable of giving directions where

homosexuality is concerned.

Hearing the Confession

Grief, beginning with shock, denial, and disbelief, is a pretty common

reaction to hearing that the man she's loved and lived with is

homosexually-active. It will often cause a woman to question her husband's

intentions when he married her (to cover his activities, for instance) and

it will attack who she is as a woman (why wasn't I enough for him?). This

is why she needs plenty of time to talk about her feelings. If things are

too quickly swept under the carpet, these strong emotions will poison her

spirit and mind, and ultimately kill her love and commitment.

Repeated sexual sin will be greeted by numbness on her part. What can she

say that she hasn't said, cried, screamed already? The marriage may remain

intact, but she is gone from it -- a course that happens all too often for

conservative Christian women for whom separation or divorce is no option.

To remain in the marriage, the woman must come to understand that she is

not the cause of her man's homosexuality. His problems pre-date their

wedding, and go back to childhood issues which are now coupled with

reinforcement gained from adult decisions to pursue sin. To escape his own

issues, a husband may relapse into accusations that if she were less of a

nag, a better housekeeper, slimmer, etc, things would be fine. It's all a

subterfuge, however, designed to throw her into a panic and begin taking

responsibility again for his sin.

The wife should be under no obligation to engage in sexual relations until

the husband has been given a clean bill of health from an STD clinic. It

might feel like punishment, but in the long run, it's only good sense.

Making a point of going each time he falls will help the man reckon with

the consequences of his behaviour and be a factor in his decision to

abstain.

Making Amends

Communication breakdown typifies what goes on in a relationship broken by

infidelity. The woman who has been unaware of sexual unfaithfulness will

be less impressed by a husband's abstinence than a revitalization in his

communication with her. That can be very frustrating to a man, who has

"turned his face like flint" to sexual sin, but is not getting much in the

way of acknowledgement from the woman on his successes.

He has to realise that she puts a premium on intimacy in conversation, good

stewardship of finances, time spent with the family, and a commitment to

growth in Christ. When sexual abstinence is attained, but there is no

change in these other areas which are nearly always in trouble where

there's sexual infidelity, then she's going to conclude, and rightfully,

that things aren't changing much.

If a believer doesn't experience transformation from the inside out, and

only brings outward behaviour under control, then that person is only

becoming a non-practicing sinner (or a non-practicing homosexual, as the

gay community would say). God doesn't think that's change either.

(Colossians 3:1-17).

It's entirely possible that a woman might choose to leave her man just when

it seems like he's making real headway in gaining freedom from

homosexuality because he has become impossible to live with: withdrawn,

self-centred, only talking about his problems, being with "ex-gay" friends

rather than family and church friends, or even possibly acting out in other

ways, like excessive spending, to compensate for lack of self-esteem in

sexual activity.

How Long?

Homosexuality is a long time in the forming and it won't be dealt with in a

few counseling sessions or a prayer session or two. The wife needs to pass

through normal stages like trying to "rescue" her husband herself, but,

finally settling down to 2 to 3 years of personal discovery and growth in

Jesus. In the same time, it's possible that her husband, with diligent

surrender in all emotional/sexual areas of his life, will find himself

truly becoming a new creation in Christ. Patience, love, and forgiveness,

on both sides will facilitate that growth.

-- Robbi Kenney

For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual

brokenness, please contact:

LOVE IN ACTION

G.P.O. Box 1115

ADELAIDE SA 5001

Phone (08) 371 0446

This article is reprinted by permission from

Metanoia Ministries

P O Box 33039

Seattle WA 98133-0039

U.S.A.



MINISTRY TO HOMOSEXUALS

Database Listing - Ministry To Homosexuals.
Christian Resources on Homosexuality on the web


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