THE SAFE SEX ILLUSION

An Urgent Message Of Warning To Gay Men

For many gay men, "SAFE SEX" is proving to be an illusion -- a trap that

could cost them their lives.

Understandably, great numbers of gay men have sought a way to cope with the

AIDS tragedy that would enable them to live with some semblance of the old

life. To do this, they've placed their hope in one answer -- "SAFE SEX".

Hopefully, with some precautions, AIDS could be avoided and life could go

on almost as usual. Leaders of the gay community, the media, churches,

even the U.S. Surgeon General are putting forth "SAFE SEX" as the answer --

the only answer to the AIDS epidemic. The gay community desperately wants

to believe that "SAFE SEX" will work, but in their desperation could lie

the seeds of further tragedy.

For many reasons, we believe that "SAFE SEX" won't work; that at best, it

will only slow down the tragic toll of death in the gay community.

The risks inherent in "SAFE SEX" are not being told for a number of

reasons.

% First is the good-old American belief that we can work anything out --

even have our cake and eat it, too.

% Second is that the alternatives to "SAFE SEX" are just not acceptable to

much of our population.

% Third is the unwillingness of many leaders in the gay community to be

willing to look at the gay lifestyle realistically, particularly if it

means losing ground in the hard fought efforts to gain acceptability for

the gay lifestyle.

Our belief that "SAFE SEX" won't work is not based on the merits or

weaknesses of the condom, although they should be considered, but is rather

based on the nature of man in general, and of gay men in particular.

Please take a few minutes to hear us out -- even if this is a message you

don't want to hear. As you consider the following reasons why we suggest

that "SAFE SEX" won't work, honestly consider your own life and behaviour

and the lives and behaviour of your closest friends. Judge each of the

following points on it's own merits, not on what you so desperately want to

believe.

1. There is a great tendency for promiscuity among male homosexuals.

Gays have seldom wanted to discuss this, but we all know it's true. The

most widely accepted study on this subject (Bell and Weinberg, 1978) showed

that forty-three percent of the male homosexuals in San Francisco estimated

that they had had sex with more than five hundred men, twenty-eight percent

with more than one thousand. We may debate the causes of this, but few of

us who have been active homosexually doubt the statistics. Sex, at that

rate, indicates a tremendous propensity towards sexual addiction. Perhaps

it reflects the deep, unmet needs of homosexuals; perhaps, it's inherent in

the nature of male sex -- the willingness to get involved sexually without

relationship; perhaps it's totally because of society's refusal to support

stable, gay relationships. The causes don't matter; what does matter is

that a large percentage of the gay population is hooked on a lifestyle of

frequent sex, a pattern of behaviour that will be terribly difficult to

break. Sexual restraint isn't in the cards for a great many gay men.

2. There is the so often elusive dream of the monogamous relationship.

Even before AIDS, most gay men longed for that one guy to whom they could

commit their life, that one special man with whom they could settle down in

a permanent, faithful relationship. Now more than ever, that kind of

relationship is sought after, now as a protection against AIDS. But we

know what happens most of the time. You settle into this kind of

relationship and in three months, or six months, it falls apart and you're

off looking for another "permanent" relationship. But with each new

relationship comes a new set of exposures. And within each new

relationship, how many times has he (or you) cheated? True, there is a

much greater motivation to settle down with one person now, but the

difficulties in finding that person haven't decreased.

3. We have to consider the nature of "passion".

Here we're not dealing with just gays; we're dealing with human nature.

There seems to be an inverse relationship between the amount of sexual

interest, arousal, and excitement and our ability to use sound judgment.

Men have a terrible propensity to do stupid and careless things in the heat

of passion. Perhaps, you went out not intending to connect, but you met

somebody new and got carried away. Perhaps, you and your partner agreed to

abstain from certain kinds of sex, or agreed to use a condom, but in the

heat of it all, you threw caution and rational behaviour to the wind. The

world is filled with people whose parents used condoms faithfully -- most

of the time.

4. Sex is often accompanied by drinking or drugs.

Take the risks just described and multiply them many times over if you've

been drinking. In that setting, the best intentions become almost

worthless.

5. "It won't happen to me."

Mankind has a streak of irrationality in him that defies understanding.

The cigarette smoker, the drinking driver, the gay who takes a chance just

this one time, all operate on that fantasy that it won't happen to them.

Often it does.

6. Great numbers of gay men who have tested HIV positive, are still

sexually active.

Those who have not tested positive or don't have AIDS, can only imagine the

emotional state of those who find they are infected. But we do see the

responses: despair, hopelessness, denial, fatalism. Some plunge into

homosexual activity with a vengeance. Some turn bitter. This is not to

condemn those individuals; who knows how we would act, but many who know

they are carriers, are very active sexually. And many overwhelmed with

their own distress are not protecting their partners.

7. Many refuse to be tested.

Often those who are most likely to be infected are the most fearful of

being tested. Many of these are still very active, sometimes cynically,

sometimes naively, sometimes with an attitude of: "We're all going to die

anyway."

All this says that "SAFE SEX" is, at best, only going to slow down the toll

of death and suffering. "SAFE SEX", if used, is somewhat effective, but a

realistic look at man, at gay men in particular, and especially at

ourselves, says that there will be just too many times when "SAFE SEX"

won't be used -- and those times over the next several years could cost you

your life.

So what is the answer? It's pretty obvious, although it's probably not

what you want to hear. The answer is abstinence. Please, before you throw

this pamphlet away, consider this option. It may be the only one that can

save your life.

Take a few more minutes and consider the following:

% Sexual abstinence is possible. It's only a fairly recent idea that we

have to have sex. Surely, mankind does not always live up to his lofty

moral standards, but abstinence is possible for many people.

% There actually are some very positive things to be said for abstinence,

especially for those who have found that their sexual needs have controlled

their lives. To break the power of addictive sexual behaviour can be

tremendously liberating -- opening a person up to new kinds of

relationships, whole new areas of interest. For so many, what was at first

thought to be sexual freedom, has become sexual bondage, and abstinence has

become the only way to break that bondage.

% As with many forms of life-dominating behaviour, total abstinence may be

easier than constant restraint. Making daily decisions as to how far we

can go can be far more difficult than making the one big decision to try to

live abstinently.

% Sexual abstinence often frees people to discover the needs that were

driving them into sex in the first place; the needs for love, affirmation,

and intimacy, needs that were short-circuited by the frequent sexual fix.

Recognising those needs, a person can start to seek new ways to meet them -

- ways that are not life-threatening.

% Abstinence is an extremely hard road to follow, but there are people who

will help. Some of them are listed on this brochure. Great numbers of

people in these organisations have found that sexual abstinence does work.

This may be the point at your life in which you have to make the hardest

decision you've ever made. Let someone help you who has already been down

that road.

Your life is precious. Don't throw it away. In your desperate desire to

have both ways, don't let the "SAFE SEX" illusion draw you in. Consider

all of your alternatives, and choose LIFE.

-- Alan Medinger

For further information and help, contact the following Christian

organisations that help homosexuals find an alternate way:

In the Adelaide area, please contact:

LOVE IN ACTION

G.P.O. Box 1115

ADELAIDE SA 5001

Phone (08) 371 0446

For a list of affiliated Christian organisations throughout the South

Pacific region contact:

Exodus South Pacific

C/- G.P.O. Box 1115

ADELAIDE SA 5001

Phone (08) 371 0446

or the world-wide organisation:

EXODUS INTERNATIONAL

P. O. Box 2121

San Rafael, California, 94912, U.S.A.

Phone (415) 454-1017

This brochure was reprinted by:

LOVE IN ACTION

G.P.O. Box 1115

ADELAIDE SA 5001

by permission from:

REGENERATION, INC

P.O. Box 9830

Baltimore, Maryland, 21284-9830, U.S.A.



MINISTRY TO HOMOSEXUALS

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