THE ROAD'S END

THE ROAD'S END

Phil Scovell

By Phil Scovell

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Contact Information

Phil Scovell

840 South Sheridan Boulevard

Denver, Colorado 80226-8017

Toll Free: 888-936-0001

Voice: 303-936-2188

Fax: 303-936-1841

BBS: 303-935-6323

Internet: [email protected]

Home Page: http://www.crl.com/~zenith

I walked the road alone for what seemed to be miles, or was

it years, perhaps a life time? Never did I leave the security of

the hardened surface beneath my feet. I followed every curve,

topped every hill, and penetrated every darkened valley without

hesitation. The bright green fields on either side of the road

were lush and aromatic; their scent motivating . The road,

however, was lifeless empty, and uninhabited. I, too, was alone

but I was never afraid because the road provided direction -

somewhere to go. As long as I was on the road, I was safe.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly, the road ended. I found myself

standing in an open field. I felt conspicuous and looked

curiously about. "Where was the road?" I moved forward; taking

a few cautious steps. "No, not there. Maybe over here?" I

looked. No. Somehow I felt strangely. The air turned chill.

"Turn back!" my heart shouted. "There's safety on the road." I

obeyed my conscience and whirled. As I did, an arctic fear

seized my heart. As far as the eye could see, there was nothing

but a sea of dark green grass. No flowers, no trees, no life of

any kind; no road. It had vanished completely. The road, my

road, was gone. I felt hopelessly alone.

Depression has become a common topic of discussion for both

author and radio talk show host. The most popular programs in

recent years are those employing psychologists who encourage

listeners to call in with their personal problems. Depression

always tops the list. It has even invaded the Christian

community with such force and effectiveness that many pastors

have found it necessary to obtain additional training just to

handle the numerous cases of depression faced by their own church

members. As surely as a baby is conceived in a mother's womb,

depression will be born to every person facing the issues of life

as an adult. For the Christian, it is a spiritual cancer which

necessitates a continuous cure since depression is never

eliminated; changing shape and identity unpredictively.

My depression became visible in the most common of ways:

Upset stomach, erratic sleeping habits, ferocious apatite, and

headaches so severe that relief occasionally only came from

vomiting. Fear, Doubt, anger, and even hatred all revealed

themselves in physical ways. I had been rejected. I had seen

the affects of rejection in the lives of other people but I never

really expected it to happen to me. After all, I was a

Christian! I was on the road! I knew where I was going! When

it came, I lost what I thought was my most precious possession; I

lost my ministry and my relationship with God. "Could God ever

use me again?"

At the age of eleven I was pronounced totally blind. Six

months, and a dozen operations later, I was left with no

alternative; I had to face life without sight. "Could I do it?"

After attending a school for the blind, Bible college,

marriage, and three years of secular employment, I went full time

into the ministry as a travel evangelist and guest speaker. I

overcame transportation problems successfully, I adjusted to new

surroundings, new people, and new places every week. Everywhere

I went I experienced new accommodations in private homes and

motels. Financial pressure became a way of life. I even sold

personal belongings whenever necessary just to pay the rent. I

became addicted to God and the ministry. My joy was full and my

zeal for the Lord was so captivating that I almost forgot my

blindness until 1979.

One day, while traveling, I was offered the possession of

assistant pastor in a small town. Not only would this

opportunity give me the privilege of serving in a local church

ministry, but I also was given liberty to continue traveling as I

desired. In a few short months I fell in love with the ministry

of a local church. No more airports, no more strange beds to

sleep in each week, no new names to try and recall, and no new

places to try and learn my way around. As the months passed, I

became more and more engaged in the ministry of the church and

more and more convinced of God's true calling upon my life.

One day the pastor called me into his office and told me

that God was calling him to leave his church. He and I agreed

the church would no doubt call me as their next pastor. The joy

in my heart was almost more than I could bear. One month earlier

I had been ordained by the church and began calling churches

looking for a pastor. My greatest dream was coming true. What

more could a man ask? I was in love with small town life; a

wonderful place for the raising of my children. I was in love

with the people, the church, and with God. Now I was going to

have the privilege of fulfilling my heart's desire by pastoring

one of God's precious flocks. Though I was totally blind, I had

finally achieved God's perfect will.

In less than four months I found myself forced to sell my

new home and return to a city in which I had hoped I would never

again have to live. I had been turned down, eliminated,

rejected. They did not feel that someone blind was capable of

being their pastor. The results of spiritual paralysis, however,

would not reveal itself for several months. I began to be turn

down time and time again by churches uninterested on having a

blind pastor. Finally, my will to go on was broken. My spirit

was wounded. The church, the ministry, the Bible, and even God

Himself became as cold as ice. After three years of spiritual

failure, financial loss, and rejection from church and friends, I

realized my road had come to an end. Hope is a poor substitute

for faith and I had neither. Rejection became characterized by

loneliness. Those who had once encouraged me in the ministry now

said perhaps I was out of the will of God and even suggested I

had failed. "It's obvious," they said, "because God isn't using

you any more." It was even suggested that if I had not married a

wife who was also blind, perhaps things would be different.

Although I had given up, my body and mind had not. They both

continued to punish me physically and emotionally for being a

failure; not only as a preacher but as a Christian. All of the

preaching and teaching I had done now provided no comfort. Out

of desperation I did the only thing left; I learned to pray.

During the summer of 1982, I set my heart to learn how to

pray. I focused my thoughts on God and His Word every waking

moment of my day. I even fell asleep at night and woke in the

morning meditating on God's Word. I explored His Word and

discovered many new prayer forms which allowed me to commune with

God continually. Nothing happened at first. Eventually,

however, I began to notice something different. I was becoming

aware of God's presence. Additionally, financial needs began to

be satisfied. This, however, becomes the most dangerous area of

concern for most Christians. When we begin to seek God out of

desperation, eventually circumstances begin to shift favorably.

Stress is reduced, pressure is released, and often we loose our

vision for spiritual truth. In the absence of such pressure, we

often reduce our desire to pursue God. When this occurs, we are

thus robbed of spiritual maturity so desperately needed when

facing true depression. I, however, was not satisfied with just

having my financial needs met, I wanted God! After two months of

saturating my life with the prayers of my heart, God entered my

prayers with His eternal presence and Holiness.

In the many years which have followed, my awareness of God

has increased and I have perpetually reached new levels of

spiritual intimacy never dreamed possible. I always thought such

intimacy with God was reserved for those who offer God talent and

ability. I thought achievers were those who received the

greatest blessings from God. Now, however, I know it is those

who learn to worship God that experience the deepest stages of

spiritual intimacy. If I would have learned how to worship God

those many years ago as I mentally stood in the open field of

defeat at my road's end, perhaps depression would not have had

such an dramatic effect upon my life. You see, if at my road's

end, I would have simply looked up, I would have seen God. For

the Christian, a road to follow is not as important or necessary

as the leadership of the Holy Spirit who always directs us in the

love of God. Then, and only then, is it possible to hear the

voice of God, "This is the way, walk ye in it" (Isaiah 30:21).

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