CHAPTER XV
HOW AND IN WHAT TIME I CAME TO SOLITARY LIFE: AND OF THE SONG
OF LOVE: AND OF CHANGING OF
PLACE
When I was prospering unhappily, and to
youth of wakeful age had now come, the grace of my Maker was near, the which
restrained the lust for temporal shape and turned it into unbodily halsing to
be desired; and lifting my soul from low things has borne it to heaven, so that
I might truly burn in desire for the everlasting mirth, more than ever I was
gladdened before by any fleshly company, or else by worldly softness.
If I will truly show this process it behoves me
preach solitary life. The spirit forsooth has set my mind on fire to have and
to love this, the which henceforth to lead according to the measure of my
sickness I have taken care. Nevertheless I have dwelt among them that have
flourished in the world, and have taken food from them. Flatterings also, that
ofttimes might draw worthy fighters from high things to low, I have heard. But
these out-casting for the sake of one, my soul was taken up to the love of my
Maker; and desiring to be endlessly delighted with sweetness, I gave my soul up
so that in devotion she should love Christ. The which she has forsooth received
of her Beloved so that now loneliness appears most sweet to her, and all solace
in which the error of man abounds she counts for nought.
I was wont forsooth to seek rest, although I went
from place to place. For it is not ill for hermits to leave cells for a
reasonable cause, and afterwards, if it accord, to turn again to the same.
Truly some of the holy Fathers have done thus, although they have therefore
suffered the murmuring of men; nevertheless not of the good. The evil truly
speak ill; and if they had abode right there they would also have done that,
for it is customary to them. If the covering of a privy is put by, nothing but
stink flies out; and ill speaking is spoken out of the heart's plenty, in which
the venom of adders lurks.
This have I known, that the more men have raved
against me with words of backbiting, so mickle the more I have grown in ghostly
profit. Forsooth the worst backbiters I have had are those which I trusted
before as faithful friends. Yet I ceased not for their words from those things
that were profitable to my soul; truly I used more study, and ever I found God
favorable. I called to mind what is written: Maledicent illi, et tu
benedices, that is to say: `They shall curse him, and thou shalt bless.'
And in process of time great profit in ghostly
joy was given me. Forsooth three years, except three or four months, were run
from the beginning of the change in my life, and of my mind, to the opening of
the heavenly door; so that, the Face being shown, the eyes of the heart might
behold and see by what way they might seek my Love, and unto Him continually
desire. The door forsooth yet biding open, nearly a year passed until the time
in which the heat of everlasting love was verily felt in my heart.
I was sitting forsooth in a chapel, and whiles I
was mickle delighted with sweetness of prayer or meditation, suddenly I felt
within me a merry and unknown heat. But first I wavered, for a long time
doubting what it could be. I was expert that it was not from a creature but
from my Maker, because I found it grow hotter and more glad.
Truly in this unhoped for, sensible and
sweet-smelling heat, half a year, three months and some weeks have out run,
until the inshedding and receiving of this heavenly and ghostly sound; the
which belongs to the songs of everlasting praise and the sweetness of unseen
melody; because it may not be known or heard but of him that receives it, whom
it behoves to be clean and departed from the earth.
Whiles truly I sat in this same chapel, and in
the night before supper, as I could, I sang psalms, I beheld above me the noise
as it were of readers, or rather singers. Whiles also I took heed praying to
heaven with my whole desire, suddenly, I wot not in what manner, I felt in me
the noise of song, and received the most liking heavenly melody which dwelt
with me in my mind. For my thought was forsooth changed to continual song of
mirth, and I had as it were praises in my meditation, and in my prayers and
psalm saying I uttered the same sound, and henceforth, for plenteousness of
inward sweetness, I burst out singing what before I said, but forsooth privily,
because alone before my Maker. I was not known by them that saw me as,
peradventure, if they had known me, they would have honoured me above measure,
and so I should have lost part of the most fair flower, and should have fallen
into desolation.
In the meanwhile wonder caught me that I should
be taken up to so great mirth whiles I was in exile; and because God gave gifts
to me that I knew not to ask, nor trowed I that say man, not the holiest, could
have received any such thing in this life. Therefore I trow this is given to
none meedfully, but freely to whom Christ will; nevertheless I trow no man
receives it unless he specially love the Name of Jesu, and in so mickle honours
It that he never lets it pass from his mind except in sleep. I trow that he to
whom it is given to do that, may fulfill the same.
Wherefore from the beginning of my changed soul
unto the high degree of Christ's love, the which, God granting, I was able to
attain--in which degree I might sing God's praises with joyful song--I was four
years and about three months. Here forsooth, with the first disposition of love
gathered into this degree, she bides to the very end; and also after death she
shall be more perfect: because here the joy of love or burning of charity is
begun, and in the heavenly kingdom it shall receive its most glorious ending.
And forsooth she profits not a little, set in these degrees in this life, but
she ascends not into another degree; but, as it were confirmed in grace, as far
as mortal man can, she rests.
Wherefore without ceasing I desire to give grace
and praise to God, the which both in diseases, heaviness, and persecution gives
me solace; and in prosperity and flatterings makes me with sickerness await an
endless crown. Therefore, in Jesu joying, I continually yield praise; the which
has vouchsafed me, least and wretched, to mingle with sweet ministers, from
whom songs of melody, yet heavenly, spring forth through the Spirit.
Continually with joy shall I give thanks because
He has made my soul in clearness of conscience like to singers clearly burning
in endless love; and whiles she loves and seethes in burning, the changed mind,
resting and being warmed by heat, and greatly enlarged by desire and the true
beauty of lovely virtue, blossoms without vice or strife in the sight of our
Maker; and thus beating praise within herself, gladdens the longer with merry
song and refreshes labours.
Many and great are these marvellous gifts, but
among the gifts of this way none are such as those which full dearly in figure
confirm the shapeliness of the unseen life in the loving soul; or which so
sweetly comfort the sitter, and being loving soul; or which so sweetly comfort
the sitter, and being comforted, ravish him to the height of contemplation and
the accord of the angels praise.
Behold, brethren, I have told you how I came to
the burning of love, not that ye should praise me, but that ye should glorify
my God, of whom I received ilk good deed that I had; and that ye, thinking that
all things under the sun are vanity, may be stirred to follow, not to
backbite.